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Geordie Horoscopes by Craig Finnigan, owner of Geordie Gifts, Newcstle upon tyne Grainger market gift shop

Aquarius - Jan 20 - Feb 18 

The bloody Solar Eclipse this week is not in your sign pet. Nee idea what this means but you should look to buy a big stottie. The stars are looking proper lush so let the stress bugger off as you sip on your morning cuppa.

Pisces - Feb 19 - Mar 20

Summertime is usually cowld for yee. You’ve embraced the bloody heat but now you’re knackered. With nee geet big concerns on your mind though, expect your creative inner bairn to come to the surface. Good luck working that oot.

Aries - Mar 21 - Apr 19

Hyem, family & Greggs pasties get your attention. Divvent fret aboot money spent, success is just arund the corner. Breaking doon walls & building bridges is the talk of your toon... Nee idea what that means either.

Taurus - Apr 20 - May 20

Yiv got a deep understanding of complex & scientific musical notes. What’s geet surprising is your need to get mortal & sing ‘footbaals coming hyem’... Look to Jupiter for answers but divvent stare at the sun. It bloody hurts man.

Gemini - May 21 - June 20

Does the bank balance control yee, or do yee control it. Who bloody knas? This month is aal aboot concentration & personal gains. Look beyond the moon & you will find... nowt? Nee one knas what’s there but it sounds class.

Cancer - June 21 - July 22

Ah aye. This is your bloody month isn’t it. Gan on, show off. Saturn is a worky ticket threatening to derail the celebrations. Divvent worry pet, It’s kept in line by the Mam of the stars. If yi divvent understand that, yi not the ownly one.

Leo - July 23 - Aug 22

Ah, the bloody lions. So that’s yi symbol is it? Tell yi what pet. Yi ganna need 3 lions soon cause it’s coming hyem! The river Tyne is symbolic of your daily thinking. Gan with the flow & the flow will take you there. Where? Divvent ask me.

Virgo - Aug 23 - Sep 22

Ambition drives yee like a Metroland rollercoaster. Ups & doons are nee match for Virgo’s solid foundations. Expect proper class things once Mars comes back from it’s holidays. Look to the sky for clues but divvent look past the clouds...

Libra - Sep 23 - Oct 22

Expressing yisel? Stop shooting yi mooth off man. The planets have aligned but you can expect an unwelcomed stay. Resist temptation to swear, instead welcome your visitors with a ‘howay in’ & a lush cuppa. Who’s visiting? Divvent ask me! 

Scorpio - Oct 23 - Nov 21

Born to shoulder the burden of bloody greatness. Yee kna what yi deein’ pet & nee one can stop yi. Except the third star behind Jupiter, it’s looking doon, staring at yi. Mind ya neb or gan kick off, the choice is yours. Just divvent blame me.

Sagittarius - Nov 22 - Dec 21

The light shines deed bright. Arms open & heed spinning. Is this your spiritual awekening? Na, divvent worry... Yi just hungover pet. It’ll pass. Keep gannin & look beyond the Galaxy to question your next move. Divvent rule oot Cadbury’s though.

Capricorn - Dec 22 - Jan 19

Joyous, proper happy, kind & deed thoughtful. A class gift to all. Sorry, that’s just me thinking aboot Xmas. Nowt to dee with yee. Avoid Saturn but divvent resist the temptation to gan oot dancing. Look arund the corner, aalways use yi heed.

July 10, 2018 — craig finnigan